


Lock, Stock and Teardrops

by TMar



Category: Forever Knight
Genre: Depressing, Gen, Song Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 00:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16587122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: Nick ruminates over the fact that Natalie is not going to forgive him and wait forever.





	Lock, Stock and Teardrops

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rather depressing story that came to me in 1996 while I was listening to the song "Lock, Stock and Teardrops" by k.d. lang. So, I figured I might as well write the story as a song challenge. The song is on the k.d. lang album "Shadowland". Please note there are a couple of spoilers for "The Human Factor".

LOCK, STOCK AND TEARDROPS

Nick woke up covered in blood sweat yet again. It was the dream... the same dream he'd been having for the last... oh, month or two. Ever since Janette had returned, and he had seen what he and Natalie could have if only they were brave enough, the dream had been there. Oh, not the dream in which Natalie always announced, "Nick, we're going to have a baby" in that most hopeful and happy of tones. No, this dream was more insidious, and it scared him... because he knew that someday the dream might come true.

In the dream he once again opened the morgue freezer, expecting to find Natalie there... but in this dream she wasn't there. In this dream, there was no one there at all, not even a 'guest' at what Nat called her 'bed and breakfast'. No one. And Nick was all alone, standing there in the morgue freezer.

And in this dream, he always found a note, saying that Natalie had gotten tired of waiting. Tired of working so hard for him and not being appreciated. Tired of his indecision, his backsliding, his occasional  
adandonment to his vampire nature. Tired. That was the word Nick saw the most in the dream. Tired. Natalie had said it such a lot lately.

Someday I won't come running  
When you call  
The way you hurt me it's a wonder  
I'm still here at all  
Someday you'll wake up  
And you'll find yourself alone  
Lock, stock and teardrops  
I'll be gone

The thought of never seeing Natalie again scared Nick more than anything... well, anything except maybe dying without gaining the redemption and forgiveness that he sought.

Sometimes in the dream Natalie's note said other things, hurtful things. Sometimes Nick wondered how he could expect to gain redemption, forgiveness, if Natalie was finding it harder and harder to forgive him - and Natalie had only known him for four years.

I can't go on  
The way you make me feel  
You make me cry and every time  
Expect me to forgive  
Someday you'll wake up  
To a cold and lonely dawn  
Lock, stock and teardrops  
I'll be gone

Nick went downstairs, opened the fridge, reached for the blood... and stopped. He wasn't sure he believed anymore that it was the blood that kept him from coming over, but every time he drank from the bottle, he knew he was betraying Natalie, betraying himself, betraying his goal.

His goal. It all came down to that, didn't it? He wanted to be mortal. Mortal. To live a life in the sun, to go to the beach, to wear a loud shirt, to sip drinks with umbrellas in them as Schanke used to, to be able to hold Natalie without feeling those... urges. Homicidal urges, he labelled them. To want her so badly he had to get far away so as not to kill her, so as not to taste her blood as he so desperately wanted to.

He'd see it in her eyes when he kissed her: she wanted more, wanted him. And every time when he'd pull away from her, she'd grow just a little colder inside. And to see it happening right in front of him hurt  
more every time.

The worst thing was, he didn't know what he could do about it. He'd tried to leave once; Natalie had been mad at him for that. By staying he was hurting her - hurting them both - more, and yet he couldn't take that final step. He couldn't say goodbye.

Coward. That's what he was, he thought. Just a coward. Let go your mortal bonds. Yeah, right. As if it was that easy. He'd never been able to let go of his particular mortal bonds, whether it had been his family, his guilt - even at the beginning - over what he had to do to live as a vampire, his perception of humans as equals rather than food, his love for a certain mortal woman. 

But he knew that he would never be able to loosen the ties that bound him to the mortal world. Oh, he'd reveled in being a vampire at certain times, no question of that, but the guilt had always been there,  
waiting to flare up, waiting to fester. Nick hated himself for that... but he wasn't sure anymore exactly what it was he hated... not letting go of his mortal bonds as LaCroix had always instructed, or the vampire that he was.

Either way, he couldn't change it. He couldn't do a damn thing about it.

And what could he do? Leave? No. Become mortal? Not likely. Let go his mortal bonds? If he hadn't in eight hundred years, he doubted he could now. All he could do was go on, go on and hope. It was all he had.

He knew that Natalie wouldn't wait forever, wouldn't forgive him forever, wouldn't ever understand, really. Someday she would leave... unless they attempted what he knew he couldn't. Nick was stuck, and he knew it. He lifted the bottle of cow blood and drank the lot. What difference did it make, anyway? He was a vampire, she was a mortal. One way or another, Natalie would leave someday, and he'd have to pick up the pieces of his heart and carry on. I did this all to myself, Nick realised. And I can't change a thing. He *would* carry on, carry on seeking his redemption, his mortality. With or without Natalie.

Oh, someday you'll wake up  
And find the strength to carry on  
And lock, stock and teardrops  
I'll be gone

THE END


End file.
